my thoughts are a buck each.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

couldve been easier on you, i couldnt change though i wanted to

glycerine : bush

i dont like bush very much, but i like this song a lot.
i kind of hate who ive become. i miss when "normal" meant "happy". now it means "happy for a little bit today, but mostly sad". im just not very happy anymore, and i know the problem is with me. i think too much. i wish too much. i dont change enough where i should be changing and i hold onto the clouds. i wake up and cry and put on make up to stop myself from crying, then and during the day and night. i cant be crying and line my eyes at the same time. the task of getting myself ready keeps me busy enough to not think, and by the time ive stopped crying i dont want to smear my make up by crying again.
i want to think that ill get better as i grow up, but i think thats just a lie adults tell children and themselves to make themselves feel better. they say that time heals all wounds but it certainly hasnt healed mine.
i asked a friend of mine once if things got better when you got older. he didnt know how to answer since hes only two years older than me. i told him id rather hear it from him while things still suck, because it means that maybe in two years i would feel better. it would mean more to hear it while theres still hope than hear it from a forty year old who tells me that they wont lie to me and it never goes away.
i realized that anyone i have ever loved has either left me or i have pushed them away from me. i am sick of pushing people away. i blame myself for everything, whether it was my fault or not. i have walls built up and i cant decide if im protecting myself from other people or protecting them from me.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

im sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care

nyc : interpol

right about now, im pretty fucking miserable.
give me an hour though, and i might be okay.
"she'll be okay. that one's a trooper."
- mr rellihan, on me crying at lunch.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

many rivers to cross, but i cant seem to find my way over. wandering i am lost...

many rivers to cross : jimmy cliff

well, since two or three people even remember i have this (and that is a large estimate), i guess this is "safe".
ive been pretty pensieve lately, and i have been thinking a lot about bad things and good things and the things i wasnt ready for and the things i should have been ready for. some parts of my brain translate these feelings into sadness, the containable kind, and some parts translate it into hurt for my heart, and some translate it into a need to be talking with and helping other people.
so i decided to sit in a tree and think for a long time, but since i detest the cold, that still hasnt happened.
i sense change coming, maybe a big one.

many rivers to cross, but i cant seem to find my way over. wandering i am lost...

many rivers to cross : jimmy cliff

well, since two or three people even remember i have this (and that is a large estimate), i guess this is "safe".
ive been pretty pensieve lately, and i have been thinking a lot about bad things and good things and the things i wasnt ready for and the things i should have been ready for. some parts of my brain translate these feelings into sadness, the containable kind, and some parts translate it into hurt for my heart, and some translate it into a need to be talking with and helping other people.
so i decided to sit in a tree and think for a long time, but since i detest the cold, that still hasnt happened.
i sense change coming, maybe a big one.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

once there was a way to get back home

golden slumbers : the beatles
im sorry i fucked everything up, and im so much sorrier that i keep doing it.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

am ende bleib, ich doch alleine. die zeit steht still und mir ist kalt. kalt. kalt.

seemann : rammstein
i used to be obsessed with this song. i hadnt listened to it in a long time until a few days ago.

Jetzt stehst du da an der Laterne now you are standing by the lantern
hast Tränen im Gesicht you have tears in your face
das Feuer nimmst du von der Kerze you take the fire from the candle
die Zeit steht still und es wird Herbst time stands still and it becomes autumn

Sie sprachen nur von deiner Mutter they spoke only of your mother
so gnadenlos ist nur die Nacht only the night is so merciless
am Ende bleib ich doch alleine in the end i am left alone
die Zeit steht still time stands still
und mir ist kalt and i am cold

Friday, August 27, 2004

hope everything is alright

mr grieves : the pixies
hey, do you read this anymore?
im sorry i was clingy tonight. i guess im just having a hard time adjusting to breaking up. im sorry if i made you uncomforable.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

somehow you must live up to the precendents youve set. you need not hope for answers yet.

somewhere theres a feather : nico
i dont feel so great lately.
ousted
outcast
ignored
left out
replaced
thats a few words for it.
i had the weirdest dream just now. i had an affair with some 40 year old (i cant remember if it was rape or consentual. i think the first) and i was having regular pms symptoms. dads girlfriend (this isnt his current, its someone ive never met) is worried that she is going to die. i said something like "what? its not like you have some incurable disease, is it?" and she started crying and said "yes. i do. i have aids" and then i feel terrible and all. then we get to a drugstore, and my dad goes up to the counter and says "i called in about the pregnancy of rachel klem..." i really started bawling and said "dad you dont really think im pregnant, do you?" and he says "yes, i do" and i kept crying and all i could think was "i cant be pregnant! my school wont let me go there anymore. ill have to start over my SENIOR year. oh no,w hat will stephan say?" and i said "how could i do this?" and my dad comforts me and buys me a pregnancy test. i go to take it, and my period was starting, but i decided to take it anyway just to make sure.
i woke up before i was done