my thoughts are a buck each.

couldve been easier on you, i couldnt change though i wanted to

2005-04-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

glycerine : bush

i dont like bush very much, but i like this song a lot.
i kind of hate who ive become. i miss when "normal" meant "happy". now it means "happy for a little bit today, but mostly sad". im just not very happy anymore, and i know the problem is with me. i think too much. i wish too much. i dont change enough where i should be changing and i hold onto the clouds. i wake up and cry and put on make up to stop myself from crying, then and during the day and night. i cant be crying and line my eyes at the same time. the task of getting myself ready keeps me busy enough to not think, and by the time ive stopped crying i dont want to smear my make up by crying again.
i want to think that ill get better as i grow up, but i think thats just a lie adults tell children and themselves to make themselves feel better. they say that time heals all wounds but it certainly hasnt healed mine.
i asked a friend of mine once if things got better when you got older. he didnt know how to answer since hes only two years older than me. i told him id rather hear it from him while things still suck, because it means that maybe in two years i would feel better. it would mean more to hear it while theres still hope than hear it from a forty year old who tells me that they wont lie to me and it never goes away.
i realized that anyone i have ever loved has either left me or i have pushed them away from me. i am sick of pushing people away. i blame myself for everything, whether it was my fault or not. i have walls built up and i cant decide if im protecting myself from other people or protecting them from me.

im sick of spending these lonely nights training myself not to care

2005-02-24T23:10:00.000-08:00

nyc : interpol

right about now, im pretty fucking miserable.
give me an hour though, and i might be okay.
"she'll be okay. that one's a trooper."
- mr rellihan, on me crying at lunch.

many rivers to cross, but i cant seem to find my way over. wandering i am lost...

2005-02-17T16:36:00.001-08:00

many rivers to cross : jimmy cliff

well, since two or three people even remember i have this (and that is a large estimate), i guess this is "safe".
ive been pretty pensieve lately, and i have been thinking a lot about bad things and good things and the things i wasnt ready for and the things i should have been ready for. some parts of my brain translate these feelings into sadness, the containable kind, and some parts translate it into hurt for my heart, and some translate it into a need to be talking with and helping other people.
so i decided to sit in a tree and think for a long time, but since i detest the cold, that still hasnt happened.
i sense change coming, maybe a big one.

many rivers to cross, but i cant seem to find my way over. wandering i am lost...

2005-02-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

once there was a way to get back home

2004-10-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

golden slumbers : the beatles
im sorry i fucked everything up, and im so much sorrier that i keep doing it.

am ende bleib, ich doch alleine. die zeit steht still und mir ist kalt. kalt. kalt.

2004-10-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

seemann : rammstein
i used to be obsessed with this song. i hadnt listened to it in a long time until a few days ago.

Jetzt stehst du da an der Laterne now you are standing by the lantern
hast Tränen im Gesicht you have tears in your face
das Feuer nimmst du von der Kerze you take the fire from the candle
die Zeit steht still und es wird Herbst time stands still and it becomes autumn

Sie sprachen nur von deiner Mutter they spoke only of your mother
so gnadenlos ist nur die Nacht only the night is so merciless
am Ende bleib ich doch alleine in the end i am left alone
die Zeit steht still time stands still
und mir ist kalt and i am cold

hope everything is alright

2004-08-27T21:19:00.000-07:00

mr grieves : the pixies
hey, do you read this anymore?
im sorry i was clingy tonight. i guess im just having a hard time adjusting to breaking up. im sorry if i made you uncomforable.

somehow you must live up to the precendents youve set. you need not hope for answers yet.

2004-07-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

somewhere theres a feather : nico
i dont feel so great lately.
ousted
outcast
ignored
left out
replaced
thats a few words for it.
i had the weirdest dream just now. i had an affair with some 40 year old (i cant remember if it was rape or consentual. i think the first) and i was having regular pms symptoms. dads girlfriend (this isnt his current, its someone ive never met) is worried that she is going to die. i said something like "what? its not like you have some incurable disease, is it?" and she started crying and said "yes. i do. i have aids" and then i feel terrible and all. then we get to a drugstore, and my dad goes up to the counter and says "i called in about the pregnancy of rachel klem..." i really started bawling and said "dad you dont really think im pregnant, do you?" and he says "yes, i do" and i kept crying and all i could think was "i cant be pregnant! my school wont let me go there anymore. ill have to start over my SENIOR year. oh no,w hat will stephan say?" and i said "how could i do this?" and my dad comforts me and buys me a pregnancy test. i go to take it, and my period was starting, but i decided to take it anyway just to make sure.
i woke up before i was done

all the promises we break from the cradle to the grave, when all i want is you

2004-07-07T23:00:00.000-07:00

all i want is you : u2
freshman year i used to listen to this song a lot.
especially this part:

you say you want
diamonds in a ring of gold
your story to remain untold
your love not to grow cold
all the promises we break
from the cradle to the grave
when all i want
is you

i used to really, really hate the idea of anyone finding out anything about me. i couldnt tell anyone anything, and i was terrified id be singled out. so i didnt tell anyone anything, but secretly, i wanted someone to ask me. thats no way to go about handling things, i know now, but i still do it sometimes.
today i was putting on make-up and my first punk rock prom dress. this is the first time ive worn that dress since that night. i felt really weird wearing it anywhere, it just reminded me of that entire night. everything that seemed so magical fell apart and i was just another stupid teenage girl and all those feelings were connected to that dress. im over that now, so now i feel okay wearing it. so i wore it to the pewep show. i was putting on make-up and realized that my fascination with make-up is that i can make myself another person. kind of like my deal with my hair.
speaking of my hair!! blue cut it tonight, with the scissors on chris beforts pocket knife! its totally rad.
about a week ago, i was at a gas station, and there was a guy wearing a dick cheneys dick shirt. "cool!" lydia and i thought. when we were by him at the stoplight, i yelled to him "lets be friends!" in pirate park tonight, he came and he was like "hey!! youre my friend!" and it was totally the guy from the gas station! i thought this was all pretty neat, and then we talked about miege, which he graduated from.
SMALL WORLD!
tonight, ali is spending the night. we made a pot of coffee to aid in our quest to stay up !!!ALL NIGHT!!! researching harry potter and then WRITING SMUTTY ROMANCE FANFIC! oh, there may be some slash involved.

all i wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons

2004-07-03T02:23:00.000-07:00

nothing came out : the moldy peaches
i had the coolest dream last night.
i was spiderman, and i was shooting web and swinging from building to building. it was bizarre and probably completely inaccurate because ive never seen or read spiderman, or played the videogames. i think it was from the one time i saw the game played, though, because the layout was pretty much like that.
man, it was neat.

ziggy played guitar

2004-06-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

ziggy stardust : david bowie
i have a new puppy. his name is ziggy.

hanson!

2004-06-29T00:47:00.000-07:00

im going through the biggest hanson phase right now!
it all started when ali and i watched her hanson video. we realized that while taylor definitely was the cute one, zac was just annoying, and isaac was absolutely hilarious. so we're going to write him letters and befriend him. how cool is that!
im also going through a crappy classic rock phase. as in heart, aerosmith, and guns n roses.
i guess im just trying to hang onto my childhood.

dont worry even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float on

2004-06-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

float on : modest mouse
i dont really have much to say, i think. i just want to put that as the header of my post.
tonight i rented big fish and the virgin suicides with my little sister. im excited for them.

its the terror of knowing what this world is about, watching some good friends screaming "let me out!"

2004-06-24T06:50:00.000-07:00

under pressure : queen and david bowie
its kind of funny (not in the haha way) how much one thing will have on your emotional outlook for a while. walk two moons is one of my favorite books. its about a girl named salamanca. her middle name is tree. her mother went away on a bus trip and never came back. the bus had careened off the side of a cliff. only one person survived. salamanca goes on a roadtrip with her grandparents, starting in ohio and ending in lewiston, idaho, where chanhassen (or "sugar" as everyone calls her) is buried. salamanca absolutely must get there by her mothers birthday. that is very important to her.
obviously it hits a little too close to home and i usually have to put it down every so often. it makes me think, that book does. it makes me miss mom and remember things.
but now im absolutely terrified. i cant remember things so well. i can only remember her being sick and that november fourteen. i get upset, really upset, because i cant remember or it feels like i started the whole mourning process all over again. i thought i was okay and over it and everything, and then in my eighth grade year i started getting depressed a lot. now it feels like i never properly mourned every time i get sad. i rarely get sad about my mother alone, its usually something else as well.

hooray!

2004-06-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

i am out of my slump. but more about that later, since the library computers are crappy and i only had fifteen minutes.
edit!
library computers can fuck me. right up the ass.
"thats what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass" - ali, ala the big lebowski.
okay. on saturday, i moved. into a new house. and i am completely and totally excited because its a lot bigger than the old house, and it just makes me very happy. yesterday, lydia and i went on a roadtrip down to boy scout camp to visit sean. and it was a lot of fun. and monday, im still happy, albeit a little tired.
adksl;afjklds;ajkfHAPPY.

cry baby cry. make your mother sigh. shes old enough to know better, so cry baby cry.

2004-06-17T11:35:00.000-07:00

cry baby cry : the beatles
if things dont get better soon, i dont know what im going to do.
things seem to be looking up.
but then i leave whatever im doing and start crying.
in the past two weeks, i think there have been about three days that i havent cried.
i dont know what is wrong with me. everything feels like its going wrong. i dont know if ive ever felt like nothing was going right more completely than now.
its kind of fucked up to think like that when everything is seemingly going okay on the outside. i get swept up in the good but it doesnt really stay with me to keep me happy.
i want this to stop. i want to get happy and stay happy.

2004-06-16T11:36:00.000-07:00

god hates me.

tomorrow i swear i wont act this way

2004-06-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

lullaby : pedro the lion
i had a really scary dream last night.
i stabbed myself in beneath my ribs underneath my right breast, a blatant suicide attempt. they took me to the hospital, stitched me up, and told me that id be okay, but i might die in my sleep now from bloodclots. i was terrified, because at that point, i really wanted to live. i cant remember faces, but at least three people i saw before i ended up at my house were like "rachel are you okay?" and then i got to my house. it was my house in missouri again. i went upstairs, and a very good friend was in the sunroom. he was crying a little, and when i walked in he said "how could you do this to me?"
then i woke up, and immediately felt my rib cage for the scar that i was sure was there.

i watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence

2004-06-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

changes : david bowie
its 3:30 am. i have a lot of things on my mind.
the first one, i have a ghetto blaster sitting in the corner of my living room. let me repeat that, if you didnt catch the awesomeness the first time around. a ghetto blaster. the kind that you blast madd phat beats on while walking around with in on your shoulder. i fully plan to do that when i buy batteries.
the second thing, how did a killer whale eat a moose? today i was researching killer whales, and among the oddest contents of any given orcas stomach was moose. MOOOSE! how did that get there? eventually i decided that it was precariously on the edge of a cliff, went into cardiac arrest, fell into the ocean, and was devoured. but really.
third, furbies. how did that concept ever take off? i admit, i was into furbies, but now they just creep me out. i dont understand what made them so immensely popular. you taught it english and it taught you jibberish. i wanted to keep mine in a cat kennel so they wouldnt wander at night. yes, i really did think that they would get up and wander.
number four, ufos. unidentified flying objects. i learned on the history channel today that we have huge telescopes set up to scan the universe for tiny flashes of light, any sort of signals from any technological civilization. our signals, which definitely reflect our society, are tv and radio signals. they can reach mars in four and a half minutes, and it takes four years for them to reach the star closest to earth besides the sun.
five, sex! i was watching this thing, again on the history channel, called the history of sex. a lot of ancient cultures thought it was a pretty rad idea, from the sound of it. too bad we think that theyre primitive and dont contribute anything useful to modern society, like medicine or philosophy.
six, my hair is orange. i really like it, but not on me. i might change it tomorrow, i might not. i dont know what to think.
seven, i want to stay up and watch the sun rise, but i really want to sleep. im pretty tired.
eight, i want a hug.

i really like you i really wanna be your best friend be my rebel girl

2004-06-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

rebel girl : bikini kill
today, i went to toms house. i have this habit of just randomly showing up when i have nothing to do. anyway, today we watched movies on tv.
the first one is called class.
its a clever pun, seeing as its about a boy whos still in school, and, well, hes pretty classy let me tell you.
anyway, the story is, he fucks his best friends mom, but he doesnt know its his mom.
the second?
ROBOCOP.
POCOBOR!

you are the star tonight, you shine electric out of sight

2004-06-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

electrolite : rem
today i took a rain shower. i cant even begin to express to you how cool it was.
when i was young, i read some story about these kids, and they were friends, you know, your typical kids boo. but it was really rainy, and the mom had gone grocery shopping, so they just took showers in the rain in their swimsuits. i have wanted to do that since then.
AND I FINALLY DID IT!

hot tramp, i love you so.

2004-06-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

rebel rebel : david bowie
the other day i was asked what my interests were. i couldnt really come up with an answer. i dont really know why. i can think of things i like, so i guess theyre my interests, but i dont really consider myself to be completely into them. well, one. but ill get to that later. i like movies, but i cant tell the difference between a good movie and a shitty movie, i just know whether i liked it or not. the same goes for just about everything i like. im not a connoisseur. the only thing i really, really like is people.
ive been trying to figure myself out lately, and i thought about that a lot today. people are amazing. i find myself wondering about people all the time, i wonder how they got to be the way they are, if theyre really content with themselves, if theyre just as crazy and mixed up as i am. when im driving, sometimes it gets to the point where i sort of stop concentrating on driving. ill look into a car and wonder if the person is happy, if theyre going home to someone who is excited to see them, or if they hate their job. i love meeting new people and making new friends. i could not trade my friends for anything. i was thinking about that, and i hope that i make that clear when i am with them. i mean, i want to be someone who is appreciative and in tune with her surroundings, in touch with her friends, not going to go off to college and turn my back on everyone i rely on now. i want to be a better person, pretty much, or i want to be more content with who i am. i guess that does involve becoming a better person, because i would definitely be more content.
(point being, i love you.)

its so cold in alaska

2004-06-07T21:50:00.000-07:00

stephanie says : the velvet underground
this really is just a cry for help, so you know, if you want, just ignore it. really. ill get over it. i get like this sometimes, and theres even irony to it. here, ill tell it to you. when i get like this, i need people the most. when i get like this, i am a recluse.
sometimes, i think a lot of people would be better off without me. i really do. as of about 11 o'clock tonight, i have wanted to do nothing except get a tent and run away. not run away forever, or even very far. just run away for a day or two until i can get myself under control and deal with myself. i hate myself so much. ive done nothing this past week or so but cause trouble for everybody. in fact, i havent done much at home but cause trouble for the past couple of years. i dont do anything except get upset and yell and cry and hide. whenever i try to explain to sarah why im upset with her, my dad immediately steps in to tell us to stop fighting, and then i start yelling at him. all i was trying to do was explain why im mad or upset or sad or why i think im right.
i hate myself so much. i cant explain myself without crying or yelling. i cant explain myself period. thats why i think it would be so much easier for everyone without me. right now, i honestly think that.
im such a fucking mess right now. i hate myself so goddamn much. i feel like i am a burden, because something is happening every day that makes me breakdown and start crying. i constantly have some sort of problem and i constantly take them out on everyone else. i constantly blow everything out of proportion.
and im really fucking scared, because my mini-breakdowns are becoming all too frequent.
please. help me. please jesus christ i dont know what im going to do anymore. i hate it when i get like this.

ive fallen so far for the people you are. i just need your star for a day.

2004-06-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

fly : nick drake
today, while having a (cough)rousing (a-hem) conversation, i started flipping through the planner to find things to add to the conversation.

"they may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel"
"if you are patient in one moment of anger you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
and
"i am only one, but i am one. i cannot do everything, but i can do something. and i will not let what i cannot do interfere with what i can do."

those were the extent of the good ones.
i dont even use my planners. i carry them with me like a good miegan for the first week or so, then i just kind of leave them places. it doesnt matter much, because by now, ive almost got the bell schedules memorized. i can see myself sitting in a morning class in college and staring at the clock and expecting a bell to ring at 8:35 (4!) or 8:42 (1!).
thus ending the "god rachel, youre such a tool" section for today.
its so cold in alaska.
i borrowed the royal tenenbaums soundtrack from kate the other day. ive been listening to "stephanie says" by the velvet underground quite a bit lately. its very beautiful, and i need to get some albums.
i really love the royal tenenbaums.
im really sleep deprived, hungry, disattached, melodramatic, and sad.
i think if i went to sleep and wrote i would feel better.
i want to be a writer. oh my GOD i want to be a writer. there's only this problem that i dont ever do it. i mean, im constantly writing. i write about what i see, i write about what happens to me, i write about things i love, and i write about things i hate. i just have a lot of problems writing stories. i start writing things, and then i think they really suck so i dont do it. i write poetry sometimes, but half the time i think my poems are terrible, because really, they arent very good.
i guess you could say that im writing an autobiography as it goes along. i started keeping a diary freshman year, and you know what? i think im going to throw it away. im going to throw away a lot of things sometime.
i really hate reading what i write. i dont think there are very many things i want to remember about freshman year, or sophomore year. junior years is okay, i guess, but there is not very much difference between that and say, sophomore year. im still depressed about the same things, i still get hung up on the same things (boys, bands, friends, etc), and i dont get anything by re-reading them. they help me at the time, but reading them is hell. i relive everything i felt at that moment, and some continually bring me to tears. i dont really know why i would want to keep them, but i dont really want to throw them away either.
i never finish any of them.

i was brain dead, locked out, numb, not up to speed

2004-06-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

whats the frequency kenneth? : rem
no art class for rachel this summer. im a little bummed out, but i figure i can spend my time doing other things. like being a kid.
until i was about 13, i didnt really get summer vacation. my mom made me go to daycare and so i was gone from 7:30 till about 5-5:30, JUST LIKE THE SCHOOL YEAR. hell, for a few years, i had to go to daycare at my school, because montessori schools are year round. we just didnt have to do as much work.
so, to reiterate: im a little disappointed, but okay with it.
yesterday was good in just about every way possible.

no one here wants to fight me like you do

2004-06-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

combat baby : metric
i think, out of everything that was the most completely wrong today, driving by your house and knowing i couldnt go in was the worst.
today i took my little sister and her friend to see harry potter and the prizoner of azkaban. i dont think i can watch harry potter movies anymore. ill still read the books, but still, i dont know. everything is completely centered on his parents dying, and i just cannot get over that.
when i left tonight to bring dad his contacts, i started crying. a little bit at first, then hysterically. i didnt stop until i got to toms house a little over an hour later.
there were a lot of things that were wrong on that car ride. for one, it took me forever. it was a drive i didnt want to be taking, mainly because its so long, and i dont do well with long car drives unless i really want to be going to my destination. i couldnt stop thinking about my mom and richie and my grandma popped in my head and then the people who have left by 'choice', that is to say, they didnt die. i didnt think about richie so much as i thought about his sister on the day of the funeral. right then, i think i was carrying on as hysterically as she was.
on my way back from dropping off the contacts, i had to drive on shawnee mission parkway. i drove right by your house.
then i got to toms, and thats when my day started to pick up. we talked for a while and i calmed down and then he had to go in so i figured what the hell, ill go to the show tonight. six dollars to get in, and i stayed for one band. that was okay, though, because i didnt think any friends would be there, but isaac was. so i just got home (its about one am) from his house.
i took a wrong turn on the way home, and took 63rd street all the way from raytown to ward parkway. its habit for me to take ward parkway now, even though i couldve taken it to roe or nall.
anyway, when i was at 63rd and paseo, this cop was next to me. he was on his walkie talkie. all of a sudden, he flipped on his lights and siren and sped away.
it was an absolutely bizarre end to one of the worst days of my life.

youre a part time lover and a full time friend

2004-06-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

anyone else but you : the moldy peaches
what an appropriate title.
since i start my posts off with a song, probably the one im listening to, i decided to put what song it is and the band up with it. that way, if anyone reads this and is thinking "oh god whats that from?" then they know. uh huh.
i know you said be strong, but i cant help it. im really upset.
i dont see what anyone can see in anyone else but you.

youre the one that i saw. youre the one that i want.

2004-06-02T06:37:00.000-07:00

dance song 97 : sleater-kinney
8:30 on summer vacation. what am i doing up?
oh, yeah.
im moving, and my dad bitches at me when i dont pack my room. but, without much effort, i found my copy of ziggy stardust and the spiders from mars. so maybe it wont be that bad.
whinewhinewhine yes im going to whine some more because its not like very many people read this because i only told two people about it!
actually, im not.
instead im going to talk about how today is my dad's birthday.
i still haven't found the best present ever. so im making him a card that is an iou, and im going to give him a donald duck figurine and a homie to tide him over until i find the best present ever. i think ill also add a link to www.oldeenglish.org (go there. now.)
dance song '97 is wonderful. i thought i hated sleater-kinney, but i guess not.
basically, im just trying to make this post have content, because it would look a lot cooler if it did.
im taking myself off house arrest at two if im good and i work. so i guess its breakfast time.
my sister had this computer game, jumpstart third grade. on it, there was an animated book about australia. they said "breaky". they also talked about vegemite a lot. kind of like how canadians talk about hockey a lot.

we keep our mouths shut like we dont have much to say

2004-06-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

ad astra per aspera
what the fuck.
now ive got one of these!
aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggg
im a tool!
especially for a post like this...
anyway. important stuff.
i want somebody to pitch a tent and camp out in my backyard, and i want someone to lay under my tree with before i move.